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August 31, 2014

I am pathetic.

I used to imagine that I died suddenly and Leif didn't have to pay alimony and he cried and remembered he loved me once and was sorry about his last contact being dickly. But I've amended that. I think he'd be relieved about the alimony, at least a little, and feel a little justice in my passing.

Spike follows Leif's tweets. I tweet for Spike (Leif did when he had him. For the most part it takes proximity). Sometimes I accidentally see one of Leif's tweets. Sometimes I read them because I miss him so badly. I saw that he was scared of losing his job. Then I saw a tweet that I was meant to see. Paraphrased (so possibly over Twitter's 140 character limit, because I'm not going back and looking), "4 score days ago I realized my wife is like my loser brother who lives off others. Hence divorce".

I know it was meant for me because he called me a parasite long before 80 days ago and decided against me long before that, but mostly because he used the word "wife" which is my weakness. It meant something to me being his wife and having that attachment/responsibility in general. He would interject here that I wasn't very responsible, and in some ways I wasn't.

I respond to the tweet, which I haven't since the first few months. My response is like a cast off Elizabethan queen's, but heart felt, "If it would make you love me and want to be with me, I would pass on the alimony, but it wont".

I feel retarded about it and take it down and write him with bullshit news of the dogs and offer to delay alimony payments, if I can afford to, if he loses his job.

Follow this guy. He's cool.
Later today - I am in Elance Hell. Elance is the freelance site I work through. They've been engaged this week in  mass suspending their freelancers for unspecified violations. After repeated form letters from them that they will review my case in 2 weeks (with no opportunity for input from me), I post on their facebook page. It is taken down. I post on Twitter. Droves of people write back. Hence, I am reading my Twitter notifications. The first one is from Leif @beckynot. There is no way to block people from @-ing one. It reads, "Fuck You and You're pathetic"-- The Gambler".
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9 comments:

  1. Lizzie91001August 31, 2014 at 7:26 PM

    You are not pathetic, though you are certainly deserving of sympathy. I am so sorry that you are going through these terrible troubles, but you are a wonderful, loving woman, and you will be okay in time. Please keep writing: at least one of your readers sees her own struggles echoed in your words. Many hugs...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. beckynotAugust 31, 2014 at 10:49 PM

      Thanks, Lizzie. I'm sorry you have to empathize, except very distantly.

      Delete
  2. Petrea BurchardAugust 31, 2014 at 9:12 PM

    What a jerk to tweet about private stuff. Eff him. Jesus.

    I don't know. Maybe blogging about it is just as bad. I don't know. I'm just sorry.

    Take the alimony.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Transient DrifterSeptember 5, 2014 at 2:49 PM

    Eeyore was always one of my favorite characters, thus, there is nothing wrong with being pathetic. I manage to be quite a pro at it every now and again. But with experience I have found that meanness never helps anyone get ahead. But I know how hard it can be to avoid seeing those bits of very public information that the internet blesses us with. Sorry to hear that things are still so ugly for you :(

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. beckynotNovember 21, 2014 at 10:17 AM

      Hi, just seeing this.I don't know what to say except that Eeyore was my dad's favorite character too. That and I like the bow on his tail and thank you.

      Delete
  4. Pasadena AdjacentOctober 19, 2014 at 3:30 PM

    Two people with one stone. Ouch

    Ok, it's a platitude on my part, and I can't remember too many times anyone has taken my advise but you will survive... and the most miserable thing a person can do to themselves is obsess over another person. I know it I've been there - even fantasized about bringing in a hit man. Don't do it. You have to protect your psyche. Instead try to find something, some small thing that you can like and do then do it. It's hard work.

    I hope your feeling better health wise. That was indeed a close call.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. beckynotNovember 21, 2014 at 10:33 AM

      Hi, just reading this. Thanks.

      I didn't hate at all till after I was in the hospital in acute kidney failure (no stones). The first of 3 nights there I allowed myself the luxury of calling and leaving a message. I never heard back.

      Delete
  5. Petrea BurchardOctober 19, 2014 at 3:45 PM

    PA is right, as usual. Protect yourself. And let us know what's next.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. beckynotNovember 21, 2014 at 10:40 AM

      Hi, just read. Thank you for the note! I have none of the behaviors that could lead to kidney failure and I don't test positive when I'm just at the very sick phase (it's happened before a few times). Short of buying the gift of credibility I don't know what to do to stop it from getting to the dangerous point.

      Delete

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