Skype makes monsters of us all.

I threw myself at Leif on Skype.

My latest gig writing "web content" is horrible. It's for a software company and they don't have any documentation yet, so they want to explain the software to me themselves via Skype and have me write it from that. Skype came preinstalled on my Craigslist Mac Air, but I haven't ever used it or felt a desire to. Except with my doll collecting friend Kim; we planned to have our dolls Skype each other sometime. Now I have to get comfortable with Skype by tomorrow morning. 

Leif, my very soon to be ex-husband, is the only person I know who uses Skype. And Leif owes me, BIGTIME. He broke his word to me, 2 words, "I do", and he can never repay that no matter what my lawyer makes him contribute. For promising to stay together for life he can help me.

So here I am looking at Leif and my former home and my dog via Skype. Leif is looking at the part in my hair, because I am not very tall and that's all the camera on my laptop sees. Leif is using my old webcam, so I can actually see him. He's in his underwear. When does it become inappropriate to appear before your ex-wife in your underwear? After the settlement?

What was recently my home is now filled with boxes. Leif gave up storage, because he's no longer responsible for warehousing two people's crap. It’s yet another responsibility he's glad to be rid of.

The part in my hair as seen via Skype (dramatic recreation).

Leif has fished Spikey out from under the bed and is holding him up to the camera. Spike is wiggling which is good; it's a sign of health considering he’s 15. But Spike has no fur below his neck, because Leif couldn't dematt him and the groomers said Spike had to be shaved. I tell him next time they say that, just throw more money at them and they'll dematt him. Leif didn't think of this. His social skills aren't up to this. All they’re up to, as far as I can tell, is drinking with our neighbors. I befriended them, but he's inherited them.

Spikey coughs, something he does because his little doggy windpipe is collapsing. I can't pet him to calm him down, which would work. Leif puts Spikey back down. I put back down Isabel. Leif shows me more Skypey features and we are left with dead air. In the dead air I can't help it; I have to assess whether there's still hope. Does he want me back? Will he ever? I venture, "You don't miss me do you?" He doesn't. I'm not that crushed; it isn't personal. Leif just doesn't miss people.

I inquire completely seriously, "What's wonderful about not having me there?" He says, "I sleep better and it's quiet”.

I ask if when he wins the Retarded Lottery (Special Olympics has their own lottery) and he has 2 homes (1 to keep quiet), will he send for me? I asked him that the last time I saw him and he said he would. But now he says, “I’m not sure, honey”.

"If I knew the secret thing that would make you take me back", I say, "I'd do it". I figure there must be one, since he wants an apology from his mom for favoring his brother before he'll speak to her again. Only it's been 2 years because she doesn't know this.

There might not be an equivalent apology for me. "I have to fall in love with someone else." I conclude. He looks ready to cry but maybe that's just because he has to hurt me. "I guess so", he concedes. I ask how to sign out of Skype, since I've covered all the ground I need to. Wait, there's one more thing. "I love you”, I tell him. He says, with sincerity, "I love you too". I close my laptop to end our Skype session, but realize this might not work and will look lame. So I open my laptop back up and officially sign off.